Discount designer sunglasses guide to being a surfer
Everyone knows how cool a good surfer is. With their muscular torsos, sun bleached hair and tanned skin they are the modern day Adonises and Aphrodites of our coastline, strutting around in nothing more than a layer of rubber that emphasises every sturdy lump and bump of their physique, they make other more wobbly and idle beach goers feel more than a bit inadequate.
It is therefore understandable that many people wish to emulate these wild, salty creatures but rarely have the opportunity. If you live in Wolverhampton, are scared of seaweed and have a similar figure to Russell Grant chances are your not likely to be found squeezed into a wet suit attempting to tame the epic power of nature. No, you are probably more likely to be squeezed into a chair attempting to get to the next level of World of Warcraft. Not very cool. But all is not lost. If you want to have the kudos and respect of a top surfer but don’t fancy putting yourself in close proximity to sharks, eels, octopuses and other odd, bitey creatures. If you want to have that super cool devil may care attitude but don’t want to spend 45 minutes inserting yourself into a skin tight rubber tube only to be pointed at by children. Or if you just want an excuse to wee yourself in public, then the Discount Designer Sunglasses guide to being a surfer is for you.
Step 1 – Always carry a surfboard around with you.
Having a surfboard tucked under your arm will demonstrate to people that you have just been or intend to go surfing. Even if you are just on your way to the corner shop for a pint of milk and a loaf of bread it is worth taking your surfboard with you. If you don’t own a surfboard and frankly never intend to buy or use one, consider carrying an ironing board around with you instead. From a distance people could well mistake it for a surf board and at least you’ll get some us out of it the rest of the time.
Step 2 – Stare out at water
When not surfing all surfers like to stand and stare out at the ocean, deciding if the swell if of a sufficient standard for them to suddenly dash across the beach and dive head long into the sewage ridden broth. It is your job to emulate this activity whenever you come across a body of water. This can be the local canal, a puddle or full bath and once spotted you must stand facing it with your chest puffed out, legs slightly apart and arms folded. In addition to this your face must take on a slightly hardened edge with narrowed, flinty eyes and a furrowed brow. To truly recreate the would be surfer make comments such as “Looks like ground swells” or “I’ve wiped out on the reef break here before, it was gnarly” or “Surfing, surfing USA”
Step 3 – Listen to Jack Johnson
Jack Johnson is a surfer. We know this because every video he has ever done shows him pratting about with his pretend mates on surfboards. It’s strange how few other music videos show the performer taking part in their favourite hobby, Rhianna playing chess for instance, Eminem on a bike ride or Timbaland going fishing but that is the power of surfing. It is considered a cool activity and as such is acceptable to emphasise the musician’s affinity with it. To emphasise your affinity with surfing you should play Jack Johnson out loud on your phone, people will get the idea and think you are a cool ass surfer type, even if you’re just on the bus.
Step 4 – Say silly words
Say words like “Gnarly”, “Dude”, “Bogus” and “Brah”. Ideally use them together in a sentence like “That gnarly dude was bogus brah”. There is quite a lot of surfer lingo to learn but if you can’t be bothered make your own words up .......frude, I just made that up but please feel free to use it yourself.
Step 5 – Get tannedWhether this is via the traditional method of burning yourself to a crisp in the sun or having a spray tan, the prospective surfer must always have a tropical tan on everypart or their anatomy except the arse and front arse area. These bits must remain paler than Pete Doherty. Step 6 – Wear massive sunglassesAs with our previous guide (Being a Rockstar) and to be fair all our future guides, we believe the most important part of being a surfer is the clothing. Baggy jeans, board shorts and flip flops are a must and giant sunglasses are essential. Discount Designer Sunglasses have a wide range of sunglasses created by surf inspired companies such as Von Zipper, Oakley, Quiksilver, Roxy, Electric and O’Neil. Luckily we only sell designer sunglasses cheap so you don’t need to worry if you’ve spent the most of your money on fake tan, Jack Johnson CDs and an ironing board.
A - Z of Celebrity Sunglasses - Part 2: B for Bono
The weird thing about Bono is that despite being a humanist who dedicates much of his time to promoting charities and bringing global injustices to the attention of the wider world, most people think he’s a tube. Strange really because the same is rarely said about the Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nelson Mandela or any other dedicated charity activist (except perhaps Sean Penn). What is it about Bono that people seem to find slightly repellent? Is it that he always appears to be excessively smug, is it because he still thinks leather trousers are an acceptable fashion choice or perhaps is it that he seems to have a pair of sunglasses surgically fused to his mug?
Now as a sunglasses sales website we’re not likely to argue with his logic, we believe that everybody should wear sunglasses all the time (see our blog post on being a rock star), preferably keeping a spare pair in your pocket or handbag just to keep style options open. Bono himself opts for a variety of Armani frames including some specially designed Armani’s that have red lenses and were launched as part of the Product Red campaign to highlight AID, malaria and TB in Africa. So if you need an excuse to wear sunglasses 24/7 then it might as well be for charity rather than just to cover up your rapidly expanding crows feet (a commonly occuring theme among public figures of a certain age, see our previous A-Z of celebrity sunglasses - Arnie). Anyway, sticking to a tried and trusted style isn’t something that is exclusive to Bono though. His band mate The Edge has worn the same woolly hat and played the same monotonous guitar riffs for years now.
So let’s all agree that it’s the leather trousers and smugness and definitely not the continuous sunglasses wearing. That said I imagine if I was writing for a leather trousers or smugness website then it would be the glasses but until then it’s not. Got it? Good. Oh yeah and if you want to buy some cheap designer sunglasses to go with your leather trousers and smug face try DiscountDesignerSunglasses.co.uk. If you’re after leather trousers sorry I can’t recommend any websites. Probably just Google it but be careful. Peace out.
