Do you want girls to scream at the merest sight of you but in a nice way that means not getting ejected from the local swimming pool again? Have you always wanted people to laugh at all your jokes and hang on every word you say despite being the most boring person you know and you know Robert Pattinson? Do you want to throw TVs out of windows, drive cars into swimming pools and eat endangered flying mammals but don’t think you could get away with doing any of these things without being banned from your local Travel Lodge, Leisure Centre or Bat Sanctuary?
Well it sounds like you want to be a rock star with all the trappings of fame, wealth and short lived media attention that that brings. That is all very well if you have even the slightest hint of musical talent, charisma or really great hair, you’ll have your song on a car or mobile phone advert in no time at all. But if your biggest musical talent is knowing all the words to ‘Informer’ by Snow, you’re as dull as a butter knife and you’re hair is a cross between Donald Trump and Dog The Bounty Hunter then perhaps you need a different approach to breaking the US market.
And (predictably) this is where Discount Designer Sunglasses can come to your aid and make all your wildest dreams come true with the Discount Designer Sunglasses step by step guide to becoming a rock star.
Step 1
Invest in the tightest pair of jeans you can find even if this means moving from the adults to the kids section of George at ASDA. These jeans should be so tight that they allow you execute a barrel roll in an F16 jet at mach 5 without so much as getting dizzy. They may not allow you to walk very far but who needs to when you can travel everywhere in a limo.
Step 2:
Pointy, pointy shoes. The preserve of the rock star, really long pointy shoes show people that you are a man that is so dedicated to his ‘look’ that he is willing to struggle getting up and down stairs, continuously gets his toes stuck in lift and car doors and accidentally kicking people who are standing in neighbouring counties. You may also have to take your shoes off every time you want to use a public toilet to allow you to get close enough to the urinal so you don’t wee on the floor.
If you can’t afford proper winkle pickers cut the ends off a pair of your girlfriend’s/mum’s/care assistant’s stilettos and attach to the front of your trainers. You can justify this to them by saying that Alexa Chung was wearing open toe shows on T4 last week and that when you are a famous rock star that you will buy them all the Jimmy Choo’s they can stack in their wardrobe and never wear.
Step 3:
Carry a guitar case with you at all time. Even it just contains your packed lunch and comics this gives the impression that you are on your way to a gig or practise studio. For that extra rock star like appearance get a surly drunk guy to carry it for you.
Step 4:
Always wear a backstage pass. Laminating machines can be purchased very cheaply nowadays and as such with a little bit of time and some word processing skills any number of back stage passes can be made. Word to the wise though don’t let people look at your fake pass too closely otherwise they may notice that you have used a clipart picture of a guitar and get suspicious.
Step 5:
Never take off your coat. Purchase an parka jacket from a local charity shop, zip it right up to the top and refuse to take it off even when it’s 90o outside and you’re about to die of dehydration. When you do collapse people will think that it is because of drugs and think that you are even more cool. To prevent dehydration secure a number of Capri Sun pouches to the inside of your coat and run a length of tubing from each one up to your mouth. Don’t forget that the Capri Suns are inside your jacket and sit down too quickly or rough house with your band mates. One may burst and people will then think that you wear a colostomy bag. This is not cool.
Step 6:
This is the sixth and final step to becoming a rock star but also the most important. More important than not feeding a Mogwai after midnight, more important even tan than not standing too close to the front of the railway station platform in case you get sucked off........ WEAR YOUR SUNGLASSES ALL THE TIME. Even if you keep knocking over old people and children in the street, continue to wear your glasses. Even if you fall down man hole covers everyday, you must emerge from them wearing your sunglasses and saying things like ‘Wow, that’s a happening joint, the DJ was banging.’ Even when you’re having a shower or in a swimming pool or having a check up at the optician or having your appendix removed or removing someone’s appendix, you must keep your sunglasses firmly on your face.
More important than any of the other tosh that has been written this is what will mark you out as a rock star, as the kind of person normal people will look at and think either he’s in a band/he’s blind/he’s a complete tool. Hopefully it will be the first one.
Luckily Discount Designer Sunglasses can help you with this as not only do we sell a huuuuuuggggggggeeee range of designer sunglasses that a rock star might consider wearing by designers such as Von Zipper, Oakley, Ray Ban, Animal and Bolle but they are at a price that is distinctly un rock starry so in this case you can have your cake and most certainly eat it up. Yum, cheap sunglasses cake all up in my tummy.
